Kooky Conservative Emails, Part One: “Progressive Insurance”

You know what I mean. Your phone, iPad or laptop beeps or vibrates. You’ve got an email. Maybe it’s a lead on a new job you desperately need or notification that an obscure class action lawsuit you’re part of has settled and you’ve got a check for $42.57 on the way. You check your device, hoping, praying…but no. You knew it all along. It’s never good news. Instead, you’ve got another kooky conservative email…from Uncle Harold. Or Great-Aunt Margaret. Or that brother-in-law you barely know who picks his teeth at restaurants.

Marion Lorne as "Aunt Clara"
BEWITCHED

We’ve all got one. An insane relative who lingers under the misguided impression that it’s cool to pass along every loony email she receives. You can spot the emails: the subject line and at least half the text are in all caps and two or more of her cats had a disturbing fascination with the exclamation point key (quite a feat for a cat since that key usually must be paired with the shift key). Another indicator that it’s a dreaded email from the crazy relative is the amount of scrolling down you must do past multiple forwarded email addresses to get to the actual substance of the damn thing. FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, LEARN HOW TO CUT AND PASTE ALREADY!!!

Ugh. I’ve succumbed to the temptation of caps lock and exclamation points. For the sake of brevity, we’ll refer to these kooky conservative relatives collectively as “Aunt Clara.” (for the record, I LOVED Aunt Clara – who didn’t -I just wanted an excuse to post her picture)

A friend recently emailed me to say she was borderline psychotic – I told her she was half-right – because she had just received the email below from her own kooky Aunt Clara. My friend said she couldn’t take one more of these lunatic emails so I told her I would take care of it.

For the sake of clarity I’ve cleaned up most of the typos, grammatical and spelling errors and I’ve removed the all-caps and many of the exclamation points. Like the email rebuttal I wrote to the law student, the original email below is in black and my response is in blue.

Except for this, just one more thing. These emails usually refer you to an authentication site, like snopes.com to prove they are legit. I encourage you to follow this advice because, as in this case, the author of the email obviously had not read the complete entry on Snopes.com as s/he asked my friend to do because Snopes basically says that the email, while technically true, is a pile of steamy shit. (I’m taking liberties and paraphrasing a bit).

Here goes:


Stephanie Courtney as "Flo"
Progressive Insurance Ad

Progressive Insurance is exactly what the name implies, PROGRESSIVE

I assume this is meant to be some kind of sinister put-down but taken at face value it’s absurd. Imagine this:

“Reliable Sprinklers are exactly what the name implies, RELIABLE.”

Now, Aunt Clara, do you see why this makes you look like a fucking moron?

Progressive Insurance…who are they?
PROGRESSIVE INSURANCE is owned by Peter Lewis: Who is he? Read this…

If I’ve gotten this far, I’m already reading. Quit wasting my time.

You’ve seen and probably smiled at the clever Progressive Insurance TV commercials.

Um, no. I watch HBO and YouTube. But if you insist, I DO have access to the internet and will look up what you’re talking about.

Oh yeah, now I recognize them. Eh, not really my sense of humor. She’s annoying. But perky. I can handle perky after coffee.

Paul Harvey

Well, as Paul Harvey would say, “You’re about to learn the rest of the story”.

Who? Ugh. Let me google… you really need to insert links and images into these… oh. Um, Paul Harvey wouldn’t say jack shit cause that motherfucker’s dead.

PROGRESSIVE AUTO INSURANCE:

You know their TV commercials, the ones featuring the ditsy actress all dressed in white.

You’re sort of repeating yourself, Aunt Clara. Stop it. It’s embarrassing.

Peter Lewis

What you might not know is that the Chairman of Progressive is Peter Lewis, one of the major funders of leftist causes in America.

Ah, here it is. “Leftist causes.” Cause all that’s left after your lobotomy is the part of your brain that lets you hit the “send” button.

Between 2001 and 2003, Lewis funneled $15 million to the ACLU,

Okay, that’s a big fucking funnel. Why can’t you say he “gave” or “donated?”

 the group most responsible for destroying what’s left of Americas Judeo-Christian heritage.

There’s so much wrong with that sentence fragment…I’m debating whether to get into it. Ahhh why not.

First. There’s no such thing as a “Judeo-Christian” heritage. You only trot this tired phrase out when you feel it’s convenient. If you’re serious about it, wear curly sideburns and a yarmulke out for half a day and see what America thinks of its JUDEO-Christian heritage.

Second, assuming there were such a thing, it’s not in any danger of going anywhere. 40% of Americans believe the universe is 6000 years old and God created the world in six 24-hour days. I’m afraid that so-called heritage of which you speak will be around for a long time.

Third, assuming America were losing something, it’s not because of the ACLU. The ACLU actually defends religious organizations all the time when the government tries to interfere with their right to worship as they see fit. Uh huh. It’s true. Check Snopes.com (or ask Fred Phelps). yeah, that’s right. the ACLU supported the “Gods hates Fags.com” asshole. He’s one of yours, Aunt Clara.

Lewis also gave $12.5 million to MoveOn.org and America Coming Together, two key propaganda arms of the socialist left.

Hmmm. You’re right about MoveOn.org, I’ll give you that. And you WERE right about American Coming Together. But they disbanded. SEVEN YEARS AGO.

His funding for these groups was conditional on matching contributions from George Soros, the America-hating socialist who is the chief financier of the Obama political machine.

The obligatory Soros reference. It wouldn’t be a kooky conservative email without it. We don’t know, and Snopes can’t verify, that Soros hates America and yes, he donated a lot of money to Obama but so did millions and millions and millions of other people.

Lewis made a fortune as a result of capitalism, but now finances a
progressive movement that threatens to destroy the American free enterprise system that is targeting television
shows on Fox News.

What the what? “Targeting?” Don’t you mean using the free market system to freely advertise on Fox News? You do realize, of course, that if this is true, and your boycott of Progressive Insurance is successful, Fox News will lose money. Logical analysis was never your strong suit was it, Aunt Clara?

Peter Lewis is making a fortune off of conservative Americans (who buy his auto insurance) that he then applies to dismantle the very system that made him wealthy.

Nothing is being dismantled, okay, except the connective tissue between your neurons.

He’s banking on no one finding out who he is,

If he were banking on “no one finding out” don’t you think it would have been smarter to have made anonymous donations, since that’s a more certain way to make sure no one finds out than attending banquets given in honor of his own charitable contributions? See comment above about your skills in logic.

so STOP buying Progressive Insurance and pass this information on to all your friends..

You don’t have to obey this. It’s not a commandment. Please STOP. FORWARDING. EMAILS!


Aunt Clara, you’ve made me late for work. Again. There’s more, but I’m going to have to continue this tomorrow in Part Two. It’s a good thing you’re so lovable!

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4 Responses to “Kooky Conservative Emails, Part One: “Progressive Insurance””

  1. zizzybaloobah Says:

    I went in drag one Halloween as Flo, the Progressive Insurance gal. Everyone loved it, even my conservative friends. I’m now more glad than ever that I did it.

  2. yourmama Says:

    sad… you are.

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