I awoke this July Fourth morning to find someone had forwarded an email from a law student, apparently. I can think of no better way to begin my American Independence Day celebration than by countering this nonsensical, sophomoric Fox News tripe with facts and reason. His assumption is that liberals (like me) hate America. While I might hate his delusional and distorted view of what he thinks America is, I love the ideals of true liberty America was founded upon and the America that constantly pursues the realization of those ideals.
So, on this celebratory day, God (and Allah, and Yaweh, and Darwin and Christopher Hitchens) BLESS AMERICA! (and the world).
(The original email is in blue and italics. My comments are in black and contain links to the facts backing my assertions, something the original email was noticeably lacking.)
DIVORCE AGREEMENT Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives,
socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
I’m an American liberal, leftist, a social progressive and an Obama supporter. Those terms are largely redundant, by the way. You’re a law student and you write like this?
Socialists and Marxists are distinct groupings from what I am and from what most of my peers consider themselves to be. If you’re going to a halfway decent law school, you’ve learned that one of the first things two or more parties to any agreement must agree upon is the definition to the terms used in the agreement. So, one sentence into it, and you need to retain a real lawyer who is not a party to it to draft it. But good use of “et al.” I’m … impressed.
We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce….
“…the whole of this latest election process?” You mean when YOU LOST?
And I’m still not sure who YOU are and who WE are. For example, I lived in Georgia in 2004, which went overwhelmingly for Bush, but I lived in Fulton County, which went overwhelmingly for Kerry. But, for purposes of this agreement, how about we define YOU as states that voted for McCain and WE will be states that voted for Obama.
I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement: Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.
The fact is that liberal sections of the country pay more in federal taxes than our respective regions receive from the federal government. (See link for proof, or do I need to define “proof” as well?) So, we are happy to keep our money for our sections of the country instead of sending them to yours.
Here’s a website that you might want to look at it. I must warn you, the facts are not pretty for your side when you begin comparing regions of the country.
You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
We gladly accept the liberal judges. They ended segregation, which we think was a good thing to end, guaranteed women the right to choose and kept the government out of our bedrooms in Lawrence v. Texas, inter alia, which I’m sure you’ve learned means “among other things.”
And since you’re in law school, when you read those cases in Constitutional Law, look at how many conservatives turn to the ACLU when their free speech rights are infringed upon. For example, the upcoming Supreme Court case of Snyder v. Phelps, the notoriously conservative Phelps family, founder of “God Hates Fags” fame of Topeka, Kansas (YOUR state), guess who is on their side? You’re right, the ACLU.
Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military
Yes, we hate war. Arrest us. And yes, it’s time to repeal the Second Amendment because today’s Supreme Court doesn’t know what it means. So it needs to go.
The military and cops, however, are a different story. We don’t hate them. In fact, many many of us served in and are serving in the military and the police force. Also, see my point above – we liberals pay the bulk of the cost of the military (our states are the wealthiest and pay the most in taxes) so if you want it, you’re going to have to pick up the tab, which means your taxes will double. Besides, “cops” – I assume you mean the more respectable “law enforcement” – reside locally. So you get yours, we get ours. You pay for yours, we pay for ours. See? This isn’t hard.
We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.
So funny, obviously you wrote this before the BP-caused oil catastrophe. Enough said.
You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
And you can keep Chuck Norris, Angelina Jolie’s daddy and the untalented Baldwin brother. Fair deal. And Oprah, Moore and O’Donnell can each afford their own fleets of whatever they want. Doubt Stephen Baldwin can say the same.
We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
Unfortunately, many of the greedy corporations, the pharmaceuticals and Wall Street are all in Manhattan. Sorry. You don’t get Manhattan. That’s ours. But maybe you can get the people who work in these places to move to your corporate capital, Bentonville, Arkansas.
You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.
Many of the recipients of welfare live in YOUR part of the country. And speaking on behalf of my Native American ancestors, you’re ALL illegal aliens.
We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms,
YES, YES, YES!!!!!
They will have to give up their houses in the Hamptons. But the Ozarks are nice. I saw “Winter’s Bone” last night. (Great movie!) I’m sure they’ll love parking their trailers next to the meth labs.
If you insist.
We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
Amen. (except I’ll keep the Bibles my late grandparents and father gave me, copies I’ve read cover-to-cover many times).
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters.
If you are going to outlaw war protests in your section of the country then you’re obviously letting us keep the Bill of Rights. And again, you can’t invade countries without a military. Without us, you can’t afford the military.
When our allies
Seriously? What allies? Those are OUR friends. They only tolerated you because you were with us. When we divorce, they are going to say some nasty things about you. In fact, THEY ALREADY DO!
(the Brits actually called you “dumb”)
or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
England, France, Spain, Australia, India, Germany, Italy, Belgium, Japan, et al, don’t like you. They find you uncultured, vulgar, adolescent and they complain that you fart on their sofa and don’t pick up the tab at restaurants. We have defended you to them but when we are divorced, you’re on your own.
We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
Most American Jews live in New York, South Florida and LA. They’ll keep their values, thank you very much. And what “values” do YOU mean? Your parts of the country have the highest rates of infant mortality, illiteracy, teenage pregnancy, divorce, obesity, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, high school students carrying weapons to school and lynchings. For deaths by firearms, you have to go all the way down to number 22 before you find a state that voted for Obama (not counting DC). Those are values you can keep. We’ll keep our advanced degrees, Chicago’s Tribune Tower, longer lifespans, the Empire State Building, libraries, better fitness, the Lincoln Center, Carnegie Hall, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Getty Museum, Kennedy Center and the Golden Gate Bridge. And Texas will have to return NASA, since you won’t be able to afford it.
You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N, but we will no longer be paying the bill.
Your parts of the country are so poor you’re not paying much of the UN’s bill as it is. And are you going to expel all Muslims and Scientologists from your part of the country? Again, you’re obviously giving us the Constitution. Thank you.
We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
Are you really proud of wasting the earth’s limited supply of fossil fuels? (which the facts prove you expend at much higher rates than we do). If so, you’re even more adolescent than we thought.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.
Seriously? Healthcare a luxury? Is that what Jesus taught? Did He only heal those who could afford His services? Like CEOs, many doctors have houses in the Hamptons and the Berkshires and La Costa and Palm Beach. Doubt they’ll choose Appalachia over that. And Minnesota and Maryland are ours so the Mayo Clinic and Johns Hopkins are off-limits to you. For that matter, so are the Bethesda and Baloba Naval Medical Centers.
We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.
You obviously haven’t studied copyright law yet. Most of these songs are intellectual property and will go wherever the owner wants them to go, which is seldom to your side. (Most musicians are liberal). And the songs in the public domain are not yours to claim.
We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Again, many of us liberals have defended the flag and the USA with our lives. And YOUR history? What’s that, The Confederacy? Slavery? Southern heritage? You can have it. “History” isn’t something to be kept or rejected. History is what happened, what has been recorded. We prefer truth and reality over the selective memory you seem to advocate.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you Answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Listen, you are the one who married up, my dear. We are California, the Pacific Northwest, Hawai’i, most of the Midwest, Florida, the Mid-Atlantic and New England. Without us you are Mexico’s ugly step-sister to the north. Most of what we’ve done over the course of our 234-year marriage has been with your best interests in mind even when you literally rebelled. You tried to divorce us once before but we fought you and won. Why? Because despite all your many flaws, we still love you and want you to be better than you are. Had you won that war, England and France stood ready to eat you up for lunch and shit you out by dinner. This time around, I doubt they’ll even want you. Maybe Mexico will take you. But more likely Mexico will build a fence to stop the massive illegal immigration that’s certain to flow from your poor pathetic nation into theirs.
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
I TOLD you not to sign your real name to this, but you never listen to me.
P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.
Okay. Doubt they’ll mind since Malibu is also ours except good luck getting Turner out of Georgia.
P. S. S. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call OUR country.
Let us know when you have a telephone system. I still doubt we’ll call, but occasionally we’ve been known to drunk dial.
AND PS to you – we’ve been having an affair with Canada and we haven’t had to fake it once!