A Patriotic Rebuttal To A Conservative Law Student

I awoke this July Fourth morning to find someone had forwarded an email from a law student, apparently.  I can think of no better way to begin my American Independence Day celebration than by countering this nonsensical, sophomoric Fox News tripe with facts and reason. His assumption is that liberals (like me) hate America.  While I might hate his delusional and distorted view of what he thinks America is, I love the ideals of true liberty America was founded upon and the America that constantly pursues the realization of those ideals.

So, on this celebratory day, God (and Allah, and Yaweh, and Darwin and Christopher Hitchens) BLESS AMERICA! (and the world).

(The original email is in blue and italics.  My comments are in black and contain links to the facts backing my assertions, something the original email was noticeably lacking.)

DIVORCE  AGREEMENT Dear American  liberals, leftists, social progressives,
socialists, Marxists and  Obama supporters, et al:

I’m an American liberal, leftist, a social progressive and an Obama supporter.  Those terms are largely redundant, by the way.  You’re a law student and you write like this?

Socialists and Marxists are distinct groupings from what I am and from what most of my peers consider themselves to be.  If you’re going to a halfway decent law school, you’ve learned that one of the first things two or more parties to any agreement must agree upon is the definition to the terms used in the agreement.  So, one sentence into it, and you need to retain a real lawyer who is not a party to it to draft it.  But good use of “et al.” I’m … impressed.

We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce….

“…the whole of this latest election process?”  You mean when YOU LOST?

And I’m still not sure who YOU are and who WE are.  For example, I lived in Georgia in 2004, which went overwhelmingly for Bush, but I lived in Fulton County, which went overwhelmingly for Kerry.  But, for purposes of this agreement, how about we define YOU as states that voted for McCain and WE will be states that voted for Obama.

I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation  agreement: Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

The fact is that liberal sections of the country pay more in federal taxes than our respective regions receive from the federal government.  (See link for proof, or do I need to define “proof” as well?)  So, we are happy to keep our money for our sections of the country instead of sending them to yours.

Here’s a website that you might want to look at it. I must warn you, the facts are not pretty for your side when you begin comparing regions of the country.

You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

We gladly accept the liberal judges.  They ended segregation, which we think was a good thing to end, guaranteed women the right to choose and kept the government out of our bedrooms in Lawrence v. Texas, inter alia, which I’m sure you’ve learned means “among other things.”

And since you’re in law school, when you read those cases in Constitutional Law, look at how many conservatives turn to the ACLU when their free speech rights are infringed upon.  For example, the upcoming Supreme Court case of Snyder v. Phelps, the notoriously conservative Phelps family, founder of “God Hates Fags” fame of Topeka, Kansas (YOUR state), guess who is on their side?  You’re right, the ACLU.

Since you hate guns and  war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military

Yes, we hate war.  Arrest us.  And yes, it’s time to repeal the Second Amendment because today’s Supreme Court doesn’t know what it means.  So it needs to go.

The military and cops, however, are a different story.  We don’t hate them.  In fact, many many of us served in and are serving in the military and the police force.  Also, see my point above – we liberals pay the bulk of the cost of the military (our states are the wealthiest and pay the most in taxes) so if you want it, you’re going to have to pick up the tab, which means your taxes will double. Besides, “cops” – I assume you mean the more respectable “law enforcement” – reside locally.  So you get yours, we get ours.  You pay for yours, we pay for ours.  See?  This isn’t hard.

We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.

So funny, obviously you wrote this before the BP-caused oil catastrophe.  Enough said.

You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

And you can keep Chuck Norris, Angelina Jolie’s daddy and the untalented Baldwin brother.  Fair deal. And Oprah, Moore and O’Donnell can each afford their own fleets of whatever they want.  Doubt Stephen Baldwin can say the same.

We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

Unfortunately, many of the greedy corporations, the pharmaceuticals and Wall Street are all in Manhattan.  Sorry.  You don’t get Manhattan.  That’s ours.  But maybe you can get the people who work in these places to move to your corporate capital, Bentonville, Arkansas.

You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.

Many of the recipients of welfare live in YOUR part of the country.  And speaking on behalf of my Native American ancestors, you’re ALL illegal aliens.

We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms,

YES, YES, YES!!!!!

greedy CEO’s

They will have to give up their houses in the Hamptons.  But the Ozarks are nice.  I saw “Winter’s Bone” last night.  (Great movie!) I’m sure they’ll love parking their trailers next to the meth labs.

and rednecks.

If you insist.

We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

Amen. (except I’ll keep the Bibles my late grandparents and father gave me, copies I’ve read cover-to-cover many times).

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters.

If you are going to outlaw war protests in your section of the country then you’re obviously letting us keep the Bill of Rights.  And again, you can’t invade countries without a military.  Without us, you can’t afford the military.

When our allies

Seriously?  What allies?  Those are OUR friends.  They only tolerated you because you were with us.  When we divorce, they are going to say some nasty things about you.  In fact, THEY ALREADY DO!

(the Brits actually called you “dumb”)

or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.

England, France, Spain, Australia, India, Germany, Italy, Belgium, Japan, et al, don’t like you.  They find you uncultured, vulgar, adolescent and they complain that you fart on their sofa and don’t pick up the tab at restaurants.  We have defended you to them but when we are divorced, you’re on your own.

We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

Most American Jews live in New York, South Florida and LA.  They’ll keep their values, thank you very much.  And what “values” do YOU mean?  Your parts of the country have the highest rates of infant mortality, illiteracy, teenage pregnancy, divorce, obesity, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, high school students carrying weapons to school and lynchings.  For deaths by firearms, you have to go all the way down to number 22 before you find a state that voted for Obama (not counting DC).  Those are values you can keep.  We’ll keep our advanced degrees, Chicago’s Tribune Tower, longer lifespans, the Empire State Building, libraries, better fitness, the Lincoln Center, Carnegie Hall, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Getty Museum, Kennedy Center and the Golden Gate Bridge. And Texas will have to return NASA, since you won’t be able to afford it.

You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N, but we will no longer be paying the bill.

Your parts of the country are so poor you’re not paying much of the UN’s bill as it is.  And are you going to expel all Muslims and Scientologists from your part of the country?  Again, you’re obviously giving us the Constitution. Thank you.

We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

Are you really proud of wasting the earth’s limited supply of fossil fuels?  (which the facts prove you expend at much higher rates than we do).  If so, you’re even more adolescent than we thought.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

Seriously?  Healthcare a luxury? Is that what Jesus taught?  Did He only heal those who could afford His services? Like CEOs, many doctors have houses in the Hamptons and the Berkshires and La Costa and Palm Beach.  Doubt they’ll choose Appalachia over that.  And Minnesota and Maryland are ours so the Mayo Clinic and Johns Hopkins are off-limits to you. For that matter, so are the Bethesda and Baloba Naval Medical Centers.

We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

You obviously haven’t studied copyright law yet.  Most of these songs are intellectual property and will go wherever the owner wants them to go, which is seldom to your side.  (Most musicians are liberal).  And the songs in the public domain are not yours to claim.

We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

Poverty is an epidemic in large swaths of your sections of the country. Good luck fixing that with your greatly-reduced tax base.   And trickle-down economics has been proven to be ineffective.

Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Again, many of us liberals have defended the flag and the USA with our lives.  And YOUR history?  What’s that, The Confederacy?  Slavery?  Southern heritage?  You can have it.  “History” isn’t something to be kept or rejected.  History is what happened, what has been recorded.  We prefer truth and reality over the selective memory you seem to advocate.

Would you agree to this?  If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you Answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Listen, you are the one who married up, my dear.  We are California, the Pacific Northwest, Hawai’i, most of the Midwest, Florida, the Mid-Atlantic and New England.  Without us you are Mexico’s ugly step-sister to the north.  Most of what we’ve done over the course of our 234-year marriage has been with your best interests in mind even when you literally rebelled.  You tried to divorce us once before but we fought you and won.  Why?  Because despite all your many flaws, we still love you and want you to be better than you are.  Had you won that war, England and France stood ready to eat you up for lunch and shit you out by dinner.  This time around, I doubt they’ll even want you. Maybe Mexico will take you.  But more likely Mexico will build a fence to stop the massive illegal immigration that’s certain to flow from your poor pathetic nation into theirs.


John J. Wall

Law Student and an  American

I TOLD you not to sign your real name to this, but you never listen to me.

P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

Okay. Doubt they’ll mind since Malibu is also ours except good luck getting Turner out of Georgia.

P. S. S.  And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call OUR country.

Let us know when you have a telephone system.  I still doubt we’ll call, but occasionally we’ve been known to drunk dial.

AND PS to you  – we’ve been having an affair with Canada and we haven’t had to fake it once!


20 Responses to “A Patriotic Rebuttal To A Conservative Law Student”

  1. Jeff Says:

    Thank you, Rich!!! This is sooooooo accurate! Your rebuttals will make most conservatives apoplectic! Oh well, the truth is not always pretty!!

  2. Frank Says:

    VERY WELL SAID !!!! not to mention enlightening.

  3. Craig Says:

    Actually, you forgot to include New Mexico. Ted Turner is the largest land owner there and many stars including Jane Fonda live around Santa Fe. With all the Wal-Marts I imagine China will help them out.

  4. DjittyDjitty Says:

    Hey Rich

    This same email amended for our local context has just surfaced in Australia following the “illegitimate” return to political power of the leftist, pinko-socialist, chardonnay-sipping, latte-drinking Labor Government in a general election.

    Our electoral system may be just as mystifying to you as yours is to me, but the Members of the house of Representatives choose who will govern, and both of the major parties had almost the same number of representatives each. but there were a few non-aligned who had to take one side or another. They decided against the conservative Liberal Party who are now utterly dissappointed they did not win the election.

    So someone decided that a little rewording of the original email seeking a DIVORCE might make it look like it was writting for our recent post-election context.

    I was grateful for Google picking your post up when I searched for the signature line of the email.


  5. Tammy Says:

    Seriously??? KUDOS little guy!!! Wooooowwwww…… Just, Wooooowwwww……. I am going to laugh about this pile of tripe for years!

  6. Anone E E. Says:

    In 2004, the left bitched about how they should start a new country away from the Bush-voting idiots in “Jesusland.” Now it’s just turned back onto you. Boo hoo.

    The liberal judges who ended segregation are almost all long-dead and happened to mostly be Republicans. This is not 1968.

    The higher tax income from blue states is because of the presence of greedy, labor-hating corporations who support republicans. They happen to be relocation away from those states to seek lower tax rates.

    Your rebuttal is simply terrible. You know, I found this page while trying to google instructions for administrating an email routing service – if there’s one thing I truly can’t stand about the left, it’s their ability to infest _everything_ with politics. Ugh.

  7. bridieanyways Says:

    This is brilliant! (Your response, that is. Not the original bit of drivel.)

  8. Alfred Amedeo Corradini Sr. Says:

    Why don’t you Miserable arguing Fools just Commit Suicide and do us aLL a BIG ASS FAVOR so we don’t have to read aLL this Trash ! Grow up , AMERICANS ,LOVE OR LEAVE ! Semper Fi !

  9. Joseph Stans Says:

    I say encourage them to leave. Sharing a country with these “patriots” is like having ring worm; not fatal but annoying and embarrassing. The caveat: In order to return to the United States they have to meet stringent qualifications like being able to read and understand a simple paragraph and take a test on the Constitution.

  10. kqduane Says:

    I can’t believe what a miserable, ungrateful, arrogant, ignorant cynic you are. And that’s what really separates conservatives from liberals. Unlike you guys, we are happy people. WE WIN!

  11. Chris McKeever Says:

    Nah nah na na nah nah. School yard posturing by bully grown ups using condescending intellectual and educational elitism. Thank you, party of tolerance, open minded thinking and multiculturalism. Really. Guess you could not resist the temptation to respond in kind. Both sides NEED TO GROW UP. Get off your glorified soap boxes, place your pride in the cloak room, and enter the room with grace and respect for the other side.

  12. amateursoncam.blogspot.com Says:

    I believe it was the incredible Eleanor Roosevelt who said that with every
    new day comes new strength as well as fresh thoughts. I thank
    you for putting new ideas into my head.

  13. blackshemalemasturbation.tumblr.com Says:

    Do you think blogs like this one prove that books are
    obsolete or that the art of writing had transformed without losing any of its strength?

  14. skippy Says:

    It’s 2014,and the original piece of trash phony letter is still circulating. Thank you for posting such a logical, rational, eloquent response.

  15. fuzzy Says:

    I think the 2nd amendment should stand what are you thinking are you going to war with a pen knife

  16. Marc Lanthier Says:

    Dear Future Atty. John J. Wall,
    You forgot to include this statement: The American people still don’t believe the
    Iraq war is all over oil and saving Halliburton company from having to file for bankruptcy.
    President Bush and Vice President Cheney (ex-CEO of Halliburton) gave all the work in
    Iraq to Halliburton, bid free. Now that Halliburton is out of bankruptcy, they’re relocating
    their financial office to Dubai to save on US. taxes. Now Bush and Cheney’s pockets have
    plenty of money, they’re fat dumb and happy! That’s the difference between Republican’s and Democrat’s.

  17. moonbeamy Says:

    ““…the whole of this latest election process?” You mean when YOU LOST?”

    Heh… no, he means when they won.

  18. Jackie Lee Says:

    No Rich , YOU are Mexico’s ugly step – sister. Libs are all for open borders and reaching out with open arms to ILLEGAL (the word Libs love to exclude) immigrants.
    In a Libs kumbya world ILLEGALS never come here and take advantage of all the goodies they think they are entitled to.

    Americans are very generous people always willing to help the less fortunate. But hard working, law abiding citizens are fed up with a growing segment of people (both black AND white- before you hit me with the worn-out “racist” label) who take advantage of programs meant to help those in need and those who think they deserve everything everyone else has, whether they’ve worked for it or not.
    Welcome to Obama’s world!

    CEO’s and doctors have houses in the Hamptons? Oh, my – how horrible! News flash – they worked hard to buy those houses.

    Oh, pardon me! Businessmen/ women usually step over everyone to get where they are. I forgot that in the Libs world only athletes and movies stars are the only ones that can flaunt their wealth.

    Talk of Oprah , Rosie O’Donnell being able to afford their own fleet yet the crucified Romney because he was wealth – HYPOCRITE !

    How many movie stars and athletes make their homes in Appalacia?
    Or any big city ghetto?

  19. John Bramble Says:

    To John Wall and all above; Sorry about this, it was tried once already, the response was the war of Northern Aggression. only Illiterates still believe it was about saving a people when many thousands of natives were sent to die as slaves in the Caribbean or died from Small Pox laced blankets and later the germans who were pissed off at the Jewish People, while we sat and watched for years as the Germans killed untold numbers of Jewish people. We did nothing – until the Japanese attacked Pear Harbor.

    So, if John Wall wants to bring this about, he will have to find some way to fund the Libertards or they will attack once again. They only talk about helping people, communist always murder by the millions, each and every time, sooner or later, they are
    a very mean bunch!

  20. Marilyn Says:

    He said nothing about “state” division or ownership you dip shit ! Illogical and misapplied .. And of course the zombies called it brilliant,. Because they couldn’t understand it., Emotions and opinions .. Pure trash

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